LET'S FIGHT

Are you ready to fight for your marriage?

Married life is not a bed of roses.

Married life ain’t gonna be easy.

Married life is gonna be messy.

image from familylifecanada.com

Just like one couple who came to me for counseling - their marriage was a total mess, to say the least.  After many years of marriage, she wanted out. She was tired and what was fairly obvious, even in the sessions, was that she didn’t love her husband anymore. He wanted to keep the family “intact”, even if they were for all the wrong reasons and fueled by wrong and selfish motives. I had to get straight to the point and move them in the direction of drastic decision-making. And so I asked them just one question: "Are you willing to FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE?"

I was really praying that I would hear an affirmative answer, even if everything else I saw from them showed that wouldn’t be the case. My heart ached when she shook her head. The husband just stared straight out the window. A once beautiful thing now shattered into unmendable pieces. I was so devastated that none of them were willing to FIGHT for their marriage. 
She didn’t think it was worth saving. 
He didn’t see it was worth anything but his own pride.

I am also reminded of another couple I counseled a few years ago, with a very similar situation and the same issues. Despite the pain that I could see in her eyes,  the wife said she was willing to fight to love her husband again. Despite being the “guilty one" the husband was willing to fight to win back his wife’s trust. So they fought, together. They fought the things (and people) that were tearing their marriage apart. They fought the negativity that was persistently building up inside them, telling them it was useless. They fought their own pride, ego, and stubbornness. That was 15 years ago. Today, they are still together, now fighting the good fight and with a love stronger than ever!

Married life is not a bed of roses.

Married life ain’t gonna be easy.

Married life is gonna to be messy.

I find myself saying this more often now in marital counseling sessions. Well, because this is the reality. Of course, I don’t say it in the tone of hopelessness but in the tone of hopefulness.

The response that I intend to draw out from couples is not for them to back out or to throw in the towel. The response I want to draw out is “I am ready to fight for it.”

Because…

It is not a bed of roses…but so is life.

It is not going to be easy…so you have to work hard at it, together.

It is gonna be messy…so make it a beautiful mess, together.

After all, we are all a mess. But God has chosen each one of us, as messy as we are and made us beautiful in His eyes.

Marriage is not some magic potion that we swallow and everything will be ok for us. It is not an escape pod to get away from our problems from childhood or growing up. It is not the solution to our unmet needs and personal issues. 
Our spouse is not our Mr. or Ms. Fix-it.
Our spouse is not our genie. 
Our spouse is not our savior. 
Only Jesus can be our Savior. Only He can make our dreams come true. Only He can make everything okay and meet our needs.

When we fight for our marriage, we fight not only the ones trying to break our marriage from the

outside but even from the inside. I would add that we fight both with equal fervor. 

Allow me to share two practical ways you can do to fight for your marriage:

1. Ask for help.

It is never cowardice to ask for help. In fact, it is a courageous act. After all, “an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure.” Small but sure doses of help can prevent major disruptions in your marriage later. It will also bring you closer to each other day by day. Help can come in many forms:

a. Mentors/coaches (couples whom you look up to, who love God and love you both)

b. Marriage counselor (they would really appreciate it if you don’t go to them only when it’s on the verge of breaking apart!)

c. Attend seminars and couple’s retreats (especially if you have missed a lot of date nights or don’t have one – this is your chance to get away just the two of you! By the way, don't get stingy because these are worthy investments. You love your marriage, don't you? Invest in it heavily!)

d. Books and other published material on married life. (Invest in books because you will not just read it once, but will go back to it often. If you go for online sources, choose credible ones and not just a random website. As your mentors and counselor for recommendations).

2. Go Out on Dates

If you own a vehicle, you very well know that to keep it in good, running condition you need to bring it for a maintenance check up and tune up. If you disregard this, sooner or later it will give up on you. And it will cost you more to have it “overhauled”. Dates are your maintenance checkup or tune up. They are the simplest form of "making time for each other". You do it not when there is something wrong, but because you want to keep the sweetness, the spark, and the flame burning. 

They need not be expensive, extravagant dates. Here's a secret - the simplier the better. Because simplicity is scarce nowadays, it is in this mode that you give more of yourself, actually. Did you notice?

If we are serious about having a thriving marriage then we have to fight for it! God fought for his bride, the church – US! He fought hard despite the heartache and pain, remaining faithful to his marriage vows. 
(For further reading on God's love for us - read Hosea and Ezekiel 16).

So, go ahead. Fight! Your marriage is worth fighting for!