We celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary two days ago (June 27) doing something we love to do - just hang out with each other in our favourite mall HHWW, with dinner at a favourite resto. At one point, sitting at a coffee shop (that’s always on the itinerary), I found myself telling hubby, “This feels so nice. Contentment feels so nice. When you have the means to buy what you want, but don’t feel the desire or urge to. When you can go celebrate in a fancier resto or fly off to a ritzy resort, but you choose to lie low simply because it feels more satisfying.” Yes, that’s the wonderful combination of an introverted Chinese + introverted Ilocana. Hahaha. You fill in the blanks.
Someone asked, “do you and Pastor Jason fight?” “Oh yes, we do. We still do.” I answered.
19 years is not without it’s bad days. That’s a given. Marriage is no bed of roses. But it is a choice if you want to focus on just the bad days or just the good days or both, with an a healthy attitude towards it - that both good days and bad days have its purpose. Yes we still fight, but we fight fair. We do fight, but we don’t fight to compete with one another, or to put down each other. When we find ourselves in a fight, it is usually because of a misunderstanding, so the purpose for going through the fight is to come to a place where we both understand and agree on that root of the misunderstanding. It is never for him to come out as right nor me to come out as right.
But this is not what this blog is for. I wanted to share the 10 (no, not 19) things that make our marriage work.
- Laugh often. Laugh together often. Don’t be afraid to even look or sound silly to your spouse. Make her laugh. Make him laugh. Tickle, if you must. Don’t just be wacky when the person taking your photograph says, “wacky!”.
- Forgive quickly. It's hard if you have the mindset that your spouse is an opponent, someone to compete with. Are you in competition with one another? No, right? Then it shouldn’t be hard to forgive quickly. Your spouse is you TEAMMATE. He or she will never set out to sabotage you, so harboring anger will just be a waste of your precious energy.
- Respect your man. This is especially for the wives. Never put him down in private or public, especially not in public. You want to show love to your husband? Show it by respecting him as a person, his decisions, his actions. Treat him as a MAN, not as a boy. You married him, so you must have believed in his capability to lead your family then. Moreso, now. Let him lead. Just let him lead, and trust his leadership. Show affection to your woman. Listen up, men! Show her affection. Tell her you love her. Even if she says she doesnt like hugs and kisses or doesn’t like hearing the words, “I love you”, “You look beautiful.”... she does, trust me. She does. Don’t be skimpy on your affection for your wife. Give her all the love you have. You won’t regret it.
- Stay Christ-focused. Grow in your relationship with Christ. Individually and corporately. When the going gets tough and rough, you only have Christ to turn to. If your relationship with Him is shallow, then what depth of strength will you have the capacity to receive? Even if God gives you a gallon of strength, if your spiritual vessel is only able to carry a pint, then you get only a pint of strength. Then there will be times when both you and your spouse are going through a rough time and neither of you have the capacity to help the other even if you wanted to. Only Christ Jesus will be able to do that. So get to know HIM better.
- Be honest. You are teammates. You have the same goal. Get that in your head. Only honesty will get you both there in one piece. Oftentimes, we become dishonest only for our own sake - we have pride. Drop that in front of your spouse. He or she doesn’t need that (your pride).
- Stay loyal. Remain committed. Take your vows seriously. Marriage is not a game. It is not about losing that loving feeling. Love is not a feeling, it is a choice.
- Be kind. Give your spouse some slack. Look at yourself in the mirror. You are not perfect either.
- Have and nurture your own interests. You are also a unique individual. Develop yourself as well. You do not...do not...do not...have to do every hobby or every activity or go to every event together! Give your spouse some space to develop individually, too. In relation to this, have other friendships too. It's not only healthy for you, but for your spouse as well. He/she loves you but it doesnt mean he/she has to listen to all your rants.
- Talk face to face often. Get personal. Texting or messenging is not personal. Enough said.
- Be each other's biggest cheerleader. No one else will do this. If someone else is cheering on your husband/wife more than you are, that’s a red flag.
