The following blog is originally posted on the GProCommission Website, a website connecting pastoral leaders and pastoral trainer worldwide.
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This was one of the questions asked at the Global
Proclamation Congress for Pastoral Trainers held in Bangkok last year (2016).
It is a question that probably haunts many more ministry couples than we care
to admit.
It is no secret that ministry can be extremely stressful,
and the demands overwhelming. Ministry can demand a lot, if not all, of a pastor’s
time. Pastors can end up becoming so busy with “God’s work”, but neglecting
their marriage and their family in the process. And yet, despite the hard and
even damaging effects ministry can have on marriage and family, it is an issue that
continues to be ignored. If ever it is discussed, it is very rare.
These realities may be hard to swallow and painful to
admit, but realities nonetheless. They exist. They happen. It may already be
knocking on your door.
And unless we come to terms with these realities, of what
is actually going on in our support net (i.e. our spouse and children) and
admit where we have fallen short, then we cannot move in the direction of
improving or reversing any damage that the neglect for family has already
caused.
We all wish these challenges can be wished away, or
perhaps more appropriately, prayed away. That at the word “amen”, our family situation
would be better, our spouse would be happier and our children emotionally
healthier. But it doesn’t happen that way, does it?
For ministry couples, marriage and ministry are intrinsically
connected. We cannot avoid one from affecting the other. But how do pastors
respond to the overwhelming pressures of ministry and the effects of these
pressures on their marriages? Very seldom do they pause to analyze the problem
and focus on working at it, instead many “continue
to press on, ignoring the family consequences until a crisis occurs.”[1]
The common refrain:
I didn't realize the
strain that ministry was putting on our marriage. I knew that it wasn't what I
wanted or what it should be. Yet at the same time, I'd just keep going. Then,
when we got away for awhile, it all came crashing down. I feel like the toll on
my family—the damage to me, my wife, and my son—has not been worth the fruit of
the ministry.[2]
It is not easy to respond to the issue of balancing
marriage and ministry in just a few words, in one sitting or in one article. There
is a lot to be discussed, and a lot to be said. So let’s start. Let us begin by
doing a reality check.
1. Evaluate Yourself.
Evaluate our own understanding of the relationship of
ministry and marriage.
While it is true that ministry is an “absorbing lifestyle”,
it doesn’t mean that marriage must suffer. Marriage and ministry should never
be in competition with each other, but instead they should support and
strengthen each other. But it should begin with making sure your marriage is
healthy. “The way pastors navigate this lifestyle will influence their marriage
and family. Conversely, their marriage and family life will directly affect
their churches”.[3] It is therefore critical that pastors
learn to navigate through this lifestyle without neglecting their commitment to
their spouse.
A strong and thriving marriage leads to a happy pastor.
And when a pastor is happy, his ministry becomes more fruitful.
So, what are your core beliefs? Do you believe that
ministry should be primary to marriage or that marriage is primary over
ministry? It is imperative that you are clear about what you believe in because
your core beliefs affect your attitude, and your attitude affects your actions.
Take a close look at your cultural background, your
family upbringing as it relates to marriage and to ministry. Are they
consistent with what the Bible teaches? Are they glorifying to God?
Take Action!
Find time this week to evaluate your own understanding of
the relationship of ministry and marriage. You can start by listing down what
are your beliefs about marriage and ministry and how they relate to each other.
Do not just make a mental list, but make an actual list. A mental list will
just be forgotten, a visible list will help make things clearer and help you in
your self-evaluation.
2. Talk With Your Spouse.
It is also a growing concern how many pastors take their
spouses for granted, without intending to. I know of pastors who have assumed
that their wife will (or has) embrace his calling to full-time ministry. One
wife once said of her husband who was in his first year in seminary, “I didn’t
sign up for this pastorate thing!” She was obviously distraught, I could hear
in the tone of her voice that she felt cheated. They were married only a year
and she was pregnant with their first child. It made me wonder if they ever
talked about his decision to go into ministry, but I was almost sure that if
they did, it wasn’t a two-way discussion.
Pastors, you will want to have your spouse on your side,
not just on the sidelines. Her willing and loving support is critical to your
pastoral ministry, especially in sustaining leadership in the church (conversely,
marriage difficulties can derail ministry leaders). Let’s be reminded of the
word “helpmeet” in Genesis 2:18 “The
Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” (also in verse
20). The Hebrew word used is EZER. The word ezer appears in the Old Testament 21
times—twice for the woman in Genesis 2:18 and 20, three times for nations
Israel turned to for military assistance when they were under attack, and, take
note of this, 16 times for God. So what does this information tell us, or how
does it affect you?
Pastor,
your spouse can be your strongest ally, your staunch supporter and your
faithful warrior if you allow her to. Now you understand why you would want her
on your side?
Take Action!
Set a time this week to talk with your spouse. If you
haven’t done it in a while, then go out on a date…just the both of you. Find
out what she feels about your ministry and how you handle family and ministry?
Does she agree with you? Does she support you? What has been the effect of your
current ministry on her and your children?
At this point, just listen to what she has to share.
Resist the urge to defend your position or your actions. You will not get her
to your side if you bring out the sword and spar with her.
3. Recognize The Stressors
Why do we need to know the
stressors that affect our ministry and marriage? Simply because one cannot
treat an ailment that he/she doesn’t know about. One cannot defend himself from
an unknown enemy.
There are two kinds of stressors present for those in ministry:
the usual stressors and the ministry-related stressors. In the book Resilient Ministry: What Pastors Told us
About Surviving and Thriving, the authors have identified “five primary
challenges facing marriage and family for those in ministry.”[4]
They are (with
the first being common to all married couples and the next four being the ones
unique to ministry couples and families):
1. The “normal stressors” in
marriage and family life
2. The nature of ministry, which
demands being always on the job.
3. The conflicting loyalties of
church and home
4. Abandonment of the spouse from
always being on the job
5. The unmet needs of ministry
spouses for confidants
Take Action!
Based on stressors
2-4 mentioned above, which ones are the ones happening to you and your family
right now.
What do you
intend to do about it?
With you
spouse, discuss the specific things that comprise that stressor in your life
right now. Then discuss what actions you can do to manage these stressors
together, so that it has the least effects to your marriage and family.
Finally, I would like to end by
reiterating that marriage is important to God.
1. It was the first institution He
ordained.
2. It is the second relationship,
next to man’s relationship to God and vice versa, that He directed man to
nurture.
3. It is the only relationship that
He often mentions alongside Christ’s relationship to His Church’s.
It is for
this reason that the enemy targets pastors and their marriages so much. “The
enemy strikes at marriages…When marriages are destroyed, their witness to the
gospel (Ephesians 5:25) gets distorted and future generations are harmed in the
process”[5]
The enemy knows too well that when the church leaders fall, then followers are
wounded in the process, and the integrity of the church is tarnished. So, the
more we must safeguard our marriages, not only from those that want to destroy
it from the outside but also from within.
End with Prayer
Pray with
your wife right now. Begin by thanking God for each other, for your marriage
and for your partnership in this task that God has given you to do.
Then pray
for strength to face the challenges in a manner glorifying to God.
Then pray
for the grace to continue to honor each other as God has ordained it – honoring
the wife by loving her, and honoring the husband by respecting him.
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RESOURCES
Bob Burns, Tasha
D. Chapman and Donald C. Guthrie. Resilient Ministry: What Pastos Told us About Surviving
and Thriving, (Intervarsity Press. Downers Grove, IL. 2013)
Bob Burns, Tasha
D. Chapman and Donald C. Guthrie in Christianity Today. http://www.christianitytoday.com/pastors/2013/april-online-only/is-ministry-killing-your-marriage.html. Accessed
05 March 2017
Chuck Lawless www.thomrainer.com/2015/07/13-truths-about-spiritual-warfare-for-leaders/) Accessed
15 February 2017.
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AUTHOR’S BIO
Donna Tan was a Pastor’s wife for
17 years, and a pastor’s kid to this day. She is also a minister, serving in
the area of mentoring women and couples.
Donna has a graduate diploma in
Christian Counseling. Her ministry experiences span cultures having led youth
and women ministries in the Philippines, as well as women ministries in the US (as
a leader with Trinity Wives Fellowship from 2010-2012 (a seminary student wives
ministry in Deerfield, IL). In the past seven years, Donna began to develop a
passion for the welfare of pastors’ wives, having been one and encountered
their struggles in her counseling. She is currently writing a book for pastors’
wives,
Donna is married to Dr. Jason
Richard Tan (Ph.D. Intercultural Studies), and they have two children – Joshua
(15) and Elisha (11). They have been married for 18 years.
Jason and Donna are missionaries under
GlobalGrace Fellowship (based in Pasadena, CA) serving the Philippines and
Asia.
She is the Admin Director of Great
Commission Missionary Training Center. She is also a writer, professional
editor, and blogger.
