This article is also published in gprocommission.org
http://www.gprocommission.org/articles/children-ministry-nurture-relationships/
How can pastors nurture their relationship with their children
in the midst of the pressures of ministry?
Serving the Lord in ministry is a great privilege for
anyone, and the rewards can be undeniably fulfilling. I could not think of anything
else that can bring the same sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in life as doing
ministry, much more if it is your full-time calling. This is because the desire
of God that we love and serve one another is being fulfilled in our life, and joy
that comes from selflessness is simply incomparable.
While we can identify the benefits for being a pastor and
the advantages on the family, including having a wide option of relationships
to both nurture and be nurtured in, having an extended family that will be
there for you and yours whenever you need them, and a myriad of blessings,
tangible and intangible, that are unique only to pastoral families, we cannot
negate the downside of it.
Ministry is not all bed of roses. Well, people forget that
roses have thorns, and they can be thick and big, which can wound deep and
leave nasty scars. The list of pressures and stress that come with being in
ministry can range from few to many, depending on who’s retelling it. But one
thing is for sure, whether one or ten, these pressures and stress that come
with full-time ministry work can bear down on the family real hard. And if
parents (i.e. the Pastor and Pastor’s Wife) are not careful or even vigilant to
the negative effects of ministry on the kids, the trauma can damage them for a
lifetime.
Perhaps the most common source of the pressure and stress on
children of pastors and ministers is the expectation
that other people have of them.
Expectations on anyone can be frustrating, and sometimes
debilitating. Expectations on Pastors Kids (PKs) can be damaging. Church people
can be merciless on how they pressure PKs to live up to their expectations or
society’s expectations of them; from how they dress to how they walk or how
they talk. Some instances, even to how PKs should think! Most people have good
intentions, really. I know that they mean well and truly believe that they are
doing the child a favor. They call it constructive criticism.
And we all need that.
We need to be taught, because we don’t always know
everything.
We need correction, because we are not perfect.
We need to be rebuked, because we are not always right.
Then how can we help our children, the PKs, handle expectations
in a healthy way?
Teach Them.
There is a common saying, “the only person that you can
control is yourself.” You cannot control what other people will say to you, but
you can control how you respond. As
a parent, you may by default, respond or react on their behalf. But you want to realize that it will not
help them cope with it on their own. You won’t be around to defend them at all
times. How then will they respond a week from now when they are on the
playground? A year or two from now when they are in school? Five years from now
when they are in college?
While the Pastor and wife may have the resiliency and
strength to withstand the various expectations people have on them, with even
the skill of facing them head on with grace and dignity, it is not the same
with the kids. The children do not yet possess the same amount of strength,
resiliency, resolve, and even grace to face this pressure. They are still in
the process of growth and development; being molded, learning and exploring.
They are still trying to understand the world around them. They are not yet in
the position to be able to resolve such challenges on their own. We cannot
expect them to face ministry pressures and stress in the same manner as their
parents.
Therefore we have to teach them how.
Teach them how to face any challenge with dignity and grace.
Teach them how to be strong and resilient.
Teach them how to contend with expectations by teaching them
of their true identity in Christ alone, so that their foundation will be rooted
in who they are in Christ, and not in others.
It would be cruel for us to keep on taking them into our
boat and sailing off, without much of an explanation of what will be ahead. We
have to make it a priority that we equip our kids with the essentials that they
will need to survive the life of a PK.
Love Them.
Always remember that before we are pastors and ministers, we
are parents. Their parents. They must never doubt our love and never doubt that
they are important.
The welfare of our children is to be our utmost priority. We
do not delegate this to anyone else. This includes being their shield and
defender, their comfort and guide.
So, as parents we have to be alert with what is happening to
them, in light of ministry and we should be proactive – on their side, at all
times. If they are right, we commend them. If they are wrong, we correct them.
But we remain on their side of this battle they are learning to fight.
They are important.
No matter how busy ministry responsibilities may be, we must
never fail to send this message to them. If you want your children growing up
with love, respect and understanding of the ministry, then they must never feel
that they are competing with ministry or with other people (i.e. church
members) for your time and attention.
Feel Them.
They are real people, with real feelings, going through real
issues and struggles. Just because we didn’t go through these issues ourselves
at that age, doesn’t mean they are not real to our kids.
Two struggles come to mind.
Identity.
“I didn’t ask to be a PK, I didn’t chose to be a PK!”
Painful to hear, but true. And this is often the cry of many
PKs who go through hell and high water just to survive the agonizing
expectations placed upon them, and trying to fit in. PKs often find themselves
in limbo – not really sure of who they are, where they belong or what they are
supposed to do. That is why they are vulnerable to what the people around them
feed them. If these are good and healthy messages, then there’s no problem, but
when they are fed negative and unhealthy ones, then the chaos begins. Some find
themselves alone, left out and with no real friends. This can be very
traumatizing especially for them.
God.
PKs are in an “unfortunate” situation where people, even including
their own parents, often tend to assume that they are okay. We tend to have
this idea that PKs have the inborn capacity to know God and are therefore
capable of nurturing a deep and growing relationship with Him on their own, that
they will grow to be as spiritual as us or that they will just pick up the
Bible and automatically understand the mysteries in it.
Cassie Carstens, in his book ,The World Needs A Father says that fathers generally form the initial
image of God to their children. A permissive father, a permissive God. An
absentee father, and absentee God. An uninvolved father, an uninvolved God. You
get the point.
When their earthly father doesn’t provide a healthy father
image, they don’t develop a healthy image of God. They end up struggling with
their formative understanding of God if it is not consistent with what they see
in their own father.
Their understanding of God doesn’t begin once you place a
Bible in their hands to read. Their understanding of God begins with and most
often continues on from how their father is towards them.
Let me share a story.
A PK’s Story.
I have been a PK for 45 years and still counting. I’ve had
“do this, not that” for breakfast; “should and should not” for lunch; and the
smorgasbord of both for dinner. I was already a young adult when it dawned on
me that how I was living my life was not pleasing to God. Why? I was actually
living for other people, not for God, much less for myself. In the eyes of
others, I was the perfect PK. Not once did I tarnish the image of my parents,
of the church or the Gospel. As soon as I stepped into a room, people knew I
was not like them. I would not compromise if it meant ruining my image as a
Pastor’s Kid. It was actually nice, but deep inside; it was an act I had been
playing my whole life until then. I was rebuked, “God looks at the heart.” And
yeah, God didn’t like what He saw.
It was only after I decided that I would stop living for the
expectations of others that I began to get out from my shell and truly live for
God. Never in my entire life did I fully experience “the truth will set you
free”. I was living a lie – that my worth was based on what other people said
and thought of me. I needed to embrace and live the truth – that my worth comes
from God.
My only regret was that it didn’t come to me sooner.
Pastors and wives, your children are not an invisible part
of your ministry tapestry, but a very visible partner in serving God. Recognize
that they minister to you in very subtle but significant way, in a way only
they can do as your children. They make life happier, lighter and more relaxed.
They provide deeper meaning and purpose to your life.
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AUTHOR’S BIO
Donna Tan, from the Philippines, is
a pastor’s wife, a pastor’s kid, a counselor, professional editor (for both
academic and popular writing), resource speaker, writer, and blogger. Her
passion is to minister to women (pastor’s wives in particular), couples and
families.
Donna’s ministry experiences span ages
and cultures; having led youth and women ministries in the Philippines, as well
as women ministries in the US (as a leader with Trinity Wives Fellowship from
2010-2012, in Deerfield, IL).
Donna is married to Dr. Jason
Richard Tan (Ph.D.), and they have two children – Joshua (16) and Elisha (11).
They have been married for 18 years.
Jason and Donna are missionaries
under GlobalGrace Fellowship (based in Pasadena, CA) serving the Philippines
and Asia.
She is the Admin Director of Great
Commission Missionary Training Center. She is also a writer, professional
editor, and blogger.
You can connect with Donna through
her blog TonesOfHope.blogspot.com
