OF NEW BEGINNINGS

WATCHING
So here I am doing staring at my first healthy and filling breakfast for 2016. Bagels with cream cheese and tomato onion basil omelette and my coffee buddy. 
With peaches and papaya. Staring at the backyard buddies at play.
Because on the first monday of the year i went on a weeklong prayer and fast. So this is literally my first breakfast.

THINKINGSo now Im thinking, how will this year be like? It was one year ago when I was thrown a bad curveball, a shock and blow in life, something that really shook my 35 year old faith. I have, many times in the past, laid on Gods lap for comfort from personal pains and struggles or in behalf of the pains of loved ones. But this one rendered me paralysed and I could only crawl to His feet in agony and disbelief, and on the brink of losing hope in humanity. 

Is there no more place on earth where we can be safe from the evil hearts of men? How can one call it a haven when people you trusted and loved, stab you hard? It just blows me away that people will harm without heart even if you have given them your own and shared blessings with them without witholding anything. It was dreadfully agonizing. It was grief for a certain hope had died. 

THANKING
It has been a year. While a lot has happened to bring healing and forgiveness, much more still has to transpire. The memory still brings tears to my eyes, not anymore for the hurt they have cause me, but much so now for the future blessings they could have had but will not receive because they have cut off with their very own hands by chosing to slay what God has chosen for them. Because no amount of prayer nor fasting nor apology can take back time and erase the consequences.


2015 was a hard year. But as yesterday's sermon reminds, "your past failure could literally be your greatest success."

Thus, perhaps some would be able to understand if I step in to 2016 very carefully threading each day lest I miss another arrow from behind. 
While I know that God's got my back, when you go through a thing like betrayal, you become careful. Not even affecting your faith and trust in God but the physical pain of the wound is just a loud reminder of that hurt. God doesnt tell us not to go through it, not to feel it, not to be disappointed. He says yes feel it but feel it with me.