3 THINGS

As I was writing in my journal today, I found this card inserted in between the pages. It was given to

me by a good friend back in 2007, when we were starting our journey in graduate school at TEDS in Deerfield, IL.

"It would be overwhelming", she said, "you will want to simplify and focus".

Overwhelming was an understatement. True enough, too many things seem to happen all at once, including how I wanted to show my support to my husband as he worked toward his Ph.D. I didn't want to become a burden, but a cheerleader and encourager as he duelled with the brains of his professors and cross-examined books in the library.

Fast forward to nine years, and my goal is still the same when it comes to being a wife - to cheer him on and to encourage him in his leadership in the family, in his gifting/s  and in his calling as a servant of Christ (whether as a pastor, teacher or missionary).

And we don't really need a long list of qualities we need to be or actions that we ought to do to fulfil our role as a wife. We only need three things that will cover them all.

At the back of this card are THREE ESSENTIALS FOR EVERY MARRIED WOMAN (if you can flip it, I will give you a prize!), which I will share below, including some thoughts.

Be a Woman of the Word
Spend time in the Word. Study the Bible seriously and inductively so that you can say "I have not turned aside from your commands for You Yourself have taught me." (Psalm 119:102)

This was truly essential, for God is my best teacher. It is only His Word that could comfort me, then sustain me and then equip me to be the helpmeet my husband needs and the guide my kids needs. You can never go wrong with God's Word. It is the lamp to our feet and the light to our path.

Be a Husband Helper
God's Word describes woman as man's helper (ezer). The Holy Spirit is also described as a Helper. Therefore, knowing Who the Holy Spirit is and what He does for us helps us wives know how to help our husbands.
Like the Holy Spirit:
Let your husband know you will be with him forever.
Be a truth speaker with a soft voice.
Help your husband, with gentleness, to remember the truth that Jesus spoke.

It is tempting, many times, to give in to my inner voice that said "come on, you need to let it out!" I am referring to the stubborn imp in me that wants to have her own way. Thank you Holy Spirit for your unwavering watch over me.

Be a World Changer
Mothers who are raising children are world changers. Believe it. There is no greater calling if God has given you children. Wow, what a gift! It's fantastic! No one can raise your child like you do. No one else can have the same impact on them as you would. You want to be a world changer? You don't need to go out in the streets, hold up a placard, or lobby an advocacy with the senate and congress. You can do it right in your own home.

Empty nest women need to be actively changing the world by discovering His purpose for your second half of life. Women know how to give their lives for others. In this season find new ways to give your life away to those in great need. If you are not willing to be a world changer, how can you expect a better world? The world is waiting.

Work up the TEAMWORK

In my previous blog about marriage, I mentioned about teamwork. It means that marriage is an “AND” relationship, not an “OR” kind of relationship. I want to focus on this aspect in a bit more detail because I am seeing more and more couples pick fights at each other, vehemently opposing the other to the finish! A team always works for the goal, not against it. If one person is not working toward the same goal as the others in the group, then that person is not a teamplayer, not a true team-mate and…should be kicked out of the team! Funny, but I am right, am I? As a team, you are not – I repeat, NOT, in competition with each other.

What then is your goal as a couple? As a family?

“Marriage is about putting the other person’s needs above your own”

(Shaunti Feldham)

Teammates always think of the good of the other, self coming in last. In marriage, this rings so true. We have to always remind ourselves of this. This is why it is important that from the very start, husband and wife are clear about the goal of this marriage relationship they are in. Is it for self-fulfilment? Is it a place for me to have my needs met? Are you often thinking of what you can get out of it? Is it my own happiness that is of utmost importance? When you marry, whatever dreams and goals you had for yourself will now have to include your spouse. Where you used to dream big for one, now you dream big for two. Where you used to save up for one, now it is for two. Where you used to make decisions for one, now it is for two. Always. TWO. If you have a void in your life that needs to be filled, I have bad news for you. Your spouse is not the best person, and is never going to be the best person to fill it. The only one, the best one who can is God. When you allow God to fill in the void, meet those unmet needs, then you will overflow with His love and grace that you cannot help but spill it over to your spouse...love overflowing, grace abounding.

Teammates always think of the team, not just self…very seldom does a good teammate think of themselves alone. I am no basketball fan much less an expert but I have heard the interviews of basketball greats from Larry Bird to Michael Jordan to Stephen Curry, and they almost always deflect any personal praise they get. Instead they acknowledge the effort of the team. This is because they acknowledge that they are able to be who they are and accomplish what they have accomplished only because of the team effort. Now just like basketball, or any team for that matter, each person has a specific role to fulfill. If you don’t fulfill your role, your team collapses. Also, if you begin to fulfill someone else’s, even in the guise of fulfilling your own, the team suffers. Husband and wife have roles, God-given and God-mandated roles to do in the family. I do not see any reason why a husband should do wife roles and wife do husband roles. As husbands, let your wives do what they were designed to do first as women then as wives. Wives, let your husbands do what God has designed them to do first as men, then as husbands. Work as a team.

Teammates work together. Teammates work in unity. While you are different people, with unique personalities, when you enter into a marital relationship, you have to begin to learn to work together, specifically using your uniqueness to the advantage of the team. Remember, “in sickness and in health…”

And finally.

Teammates honor each other. What do I mean by this? Ephesians 5 says husbands love your wives, wives respect your husbands. In a marital relationship love and respect go hand in hand. While in a different situation, we can respect someone without loving that person, but in the marital relationship we must do both together. Therefore the respect we give our husbands is not out of duty, but out of love. The love we give our wives is not out of duty but out of, well love. When you both love and respect each other, you will not do anything to dishonor him or her. You will not disrespect and embarrass him or her in front of other people, family or even when alone together. You will not tarnish his or her integrity with the children. You will not bash him or her, whatever the circumstance or situation may be. When you need to correct your spouse, you will find a way to do and say it without attacking him or her, because you respect him and you love her. Teammates don’t destroy each other, they lift and encourage one another to become a better person. 

And oh, by the way…

Being teammates before the kids come is highly necessary! I repeat…highly necessary!

You got to work on strengthening your team of two before it becomes three, four…or more. When the little ones come along, it will be a test of your true teamwork. If you don’t know how to work as a team of two, you will face unnecessary challenges and may even fail miserably as a team of parents.

TEAM WORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK!

So yes, work on your team skills. NOW!